Gold Star Winner: December 8, 2008

Jon Stewart
Host, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart has been on fire lately, and he wins a long-overdue Gold Star in appreciation of his consistently excellent work, and for this Bush-bashing gem in particular:

"Do we really have to build this guy a library? I mean, can't we just get him an arcade-slash-go-cart course? I know he'd like it more."

How right he is. Mazel tov!

Gold Star Winner: November 27, 2008

Michelle Obama
Incoming First Lady

The always-sassy Mrs. Obama:

"This is the one year -- Don't you think? My husband ran for president -- that I should have an out on cooking something for Thanksgiving."

I agree. Somebody cook something for this woman! She deserves it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Gold Star Winner: November 18, 2008

Paul Begala
Legendary Democratic Strategist

So former DNC chairman (and longtime Clintonista) Terry McAuliffe is running for governor of Virginia in 2009. Word is that he's embarked on a "charm offensive" in the Old Dominion ahead of the Democratic primary.

Here's what Paul Begala had to say about that:

"Terry could sell shit to the zoo. He's the best salesman in the world."

Love it!

Gold Star Winner: November 13, 2008

Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
Former Speaker of the House

Here's the former Congressman in an interview with Politico:

"The Republican Party right now is like a mid-size college team trying to play in the Super Bowl. It is pretty hard to say our losses were because of John McCain’s campaign. McCain performed way above plausibility compared to where the Republican president was in the polls. We have to look honestly at what went wrong.”

He may not have a perfect record (far from it), but Newt scores a touchdown with that political analysis. Way to go, Mr. Gingrich, and congratulations.

Man, we've got a little Republican Gold Star streak going on here at The 'Festo, don't we?

Gold Star Winner: November 12, 2008

Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-MN)
Used to Have a Mullet
"Rising Star" in the Republican Party... Whatever That Means

Here's T.Paw at today's Republican Governors Association conference in Miami:
“'Drill baby drill' by itself is not an energy policy.”

Yes! Thank you, Tim. Personally, I'd go one step further and say "drill baby drill" even as part of a broader package is still not an energy policy. But I'm just a crazy, tree-hugging, environment-loving, natural resources-saving leftist. Anyway, I thank the governor for at least taking one step away from the Far Right's oil-loving descent into idiocy. "Drill baby drill" is indeed not an energy policy, and Pawlenty's comments today are what I would call "straight talk," or at least a start.

That being said, somewhere, Sarah Palin is crying.

Gold Star Winner: November 5, 2008

President-elect Barack Obama

Sorry I've been MIA lately. The last several days, I had been volunteering in Bucks County (which went big for Obama by the way!) and just generally losing my mind. Between obsessing over the Phillies and Obama, I couldn't think of doing anything else. But I'm back, and proud to award today's Gold Star to President-elect Obama, who on January 20th will become the first black president of the United States, and the first black leader of any country in the Western World.

"It's been a long time coming. But tonight, because of what we did on this date, in this election, change has come to America."

Yes it has. Congratulations, Mr. President-elect. It has been an honor to vote and work for you. Yes we did.

Gold Star Winner: October 29, 2008

Philadelphia Phillies
2008 World Series Champions

Come on. Could it have gone to anyone else?

I love my life, and I count my blessings as much as I can, but in two of things I love most dearly - baseball and politics - I associate first and foremost with losing. My entire experience in my two greatest passions has been colored by a long, laughable legacy of losing.

Not anymore.

Tonight, the Philadelphia Phillies, the team of my childhood, the team of 10,000 losses, the team from a city that had not won anything in a quarter-century, won the World Series.

The Philadelphia Phillies, 2008 World Series Champions.

Unbelievable.

I was terrified that I would never see this day. I mean, the Red Sox went 86 years in between World Series victories. The White Sox went 88. The Cubs are 100 years and counting - in fact, they haven't even been there in 63 years! Even the law of averages, I assumed, would somehow not include a World Series victory for the Fightin' Phils.

Like many other times, of course, I was wrong, and I have never been happier to be wrong. The Philadelphia Phillies are today's Gold Star Winner, for winning their first World Series in 28 years, for ending Philadelphia's 25-year drought, for making me scream longer and louder than I ever have before... and, most importantly, for making my wildest, wackiest, most wonderful dream finally come true.

Philadephia Phillies, 2008 World Series Champions. Unbelievable.

Gold Star Winner: October 28, 2008

Anonymous McCain Staffer

Why am I giving today's Gold Star to an anonymous McCain staffer?

Because someone in the McCain camp referred to Sarah Palin as this:

"A whack job."

It's exactly what she is, of course. Er, congrats, guys.

Gold Star Winner: October 24, 2008

James Carville
Democratic Political Guru
CNN Contributor

OMG:

"The reason the Republicans found Joe the Plumber was to find someone hanging around a toilet other than Larry Craig."

So funny I'll spell it out for ya: LAUGHING. MY. ASS OFF.

Gold Star Winner: October 23, 2008

Scott McClellan
Former White House Press Secretary
Author, What Happened

I'm lukewarm at best when it comes to Scott McClellan. I appreciate that he wrote his book bashing the Bush administration for being royally fucked up... but, like, where was he in 2003 and 2004? I, for one, knew they were corrupt ages ago. So did a lot of people. It would have been truly heroic if he had said, back when he was working for Bush, that enough was enough and he couldn't take lying anymore. But he didn't, and I won't forgive him for that, even if he did write a book about it... several years later... which he made a shitload of money off of...

I digress. McClellan gets the Gold Star today for becoming the latest reformed Bush backer to endorse Obama:

"From the very beginning I have said I am going to support the candidate that has the best chance for changing the way Washington works and getting things done and I will be voting for Barack Obama and clapping."

Me too, Scott. Nicely done.

Gold Star Winner: October 21, 2008

Gov. Charlie Crist (R-FL)
Big John McCain Supporter
Gay?

Today, Gov. Crist was asked if he thought Sarah Palin would attract undecideds to the Republican ticket.

His answer?

"I think we both know the answer to that. But there's no question she fired up the base."

Honesty! From a John McCain surrogate!

I'll tell ya... you live long enough and anything can happen.

Congrats, Charlie.

Gold Star Winner: October 20, 2008

Sen. John Kerry (D-MA)
2004 Democratic Presidential Nominee

Here's Kerry today, alluding to the memorable question asked to Bill Clinton in 1992, which apparently Obama was asked today.

"Barack got asked the famous boxers or briefs question. I was tempted to say commando."

Prolly. Congrats, Senator Kerry. You finally won something!

Ouch.

Gold Star Winner: October 17, 2008

Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA)
Bad-Ass Mothafucka

Jim Webb is worthy of a lifetime Gold Star simply for unseating the disgusting George "Macaca" Allen in 2006. We don't have those (yet) here at The 'Festo. So, for now, he is simply awarded the daily Gold Star for two quotes he gave today. In typical Jim Webb fashion, they were downright awesome.

Here's Webb speculating that McCain probably regrets the Palin pick:

"I like country music. There was a song about two years ago, 'I knew what I was doing, but what was I thinking?' John McCain is probably singing that song right now."

And here he is talking about the VP debate, in which Palin infamously asked Joe Biden "Can I call you Joe?":

“I was thinking, Joe, what you really oughta do is say, 'Yeah, you can call me whatever you want. In two months, you're gonna be calling me Mr. Vice President.'"

Gold Star Winner: October 16, 2008

Sens. Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AZ)
One Of These Guys Will Be President

Tonight, the candidates spoke at the Al Smith Dinner right here in New York City. It's a white-tie, uber-exclusive charity event that also serves as a roast for the presidential candidates.

Obama and McCain are awarded a joint Gold Star tonight for delivering a series of hilarious zingers. Here are the award-winning favorites:

Obama: "I obviously never knew your grandfather (Al Smith IV), but from everything Senator McCain has told me, the two of them had a great time together before Prohibition."

McCain: "Even in this room full of proud Manhattan Democrats, I can’t shake that feeling that some people here are pulling for me. I’m delighted to see you here tonight, Hillary."

And there ya go. Boo-yeah.

Gold Star Winner: October 14, 2008

Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE)
Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee
The Coolest Mothafucka in Politics

I know, I know... Joe Biden receiving Gold Stars here at The Danifesto is getting a little redundant. Sorry. I'm pressed for time tonight, and the guy happens to be a walking Gold Star Machine. So here it is.

Today in Missouri, Biden had this to say about McCain's cowardice in bringing up Ayers, etc. (but not directly at his debates with Obama... at least not yet):

"In my neighborhood, you want to say something about me, look me in the eye and tell me."

Oh, snap. Congrats again, Joe.

Gold Star Winner: October 13, 2008

Tina Fey

Actress and Comedienne

Best Sarah Palin Impersonator Ever

Tina Fey has been consistently hilarious in her return to Saturday Night Live as Gov. Sarah "Moose" Palin.  But, in real life, she's not that big a fan of Palin.  Here's what she says in next week's issue of TV Guide:

"We're gonna take it week by week.  If she wins, I'm done.  I can't do that for four years.  And by 'I'm done,' I mean I'm leaving Earth."

My sentiments exactly.  Rock on, Tina! 

Gold Star Winner: October 9, 2008

Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE)

Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee

Another day, another Gold Star for Joe Biden.

By now, you may have heard Sarah the Moose Killer's insult that she's been hearing about Joe Biden's speeches since she was in second grade.  Ha, ha.  Palin has now used the line multiple times.  Well, today, Joe got her back - and, for that, he once again is awarding a Gold Star.

His winning performance went a little something like this:

"Sarah Palin says, 'You know, I was in second grade when Joe Biden was elected to the United States Senate at age 29.'  That's true, but she was in sixth grade the last time John had a new idea."

Loving that.  And loving you, Joe.  A big "fuck yeah" from me, sir.

Gold Star Winner: October 8, 2008

John Cleese

One of the Funniest Guys Ever

On Sunday evening, the disgusting Sean Hannity of FOX "News" hosted an anti-Obama "news" show that "investigated" Obama's "radical connections," specifically his "ties" to Bill Ayers.  Fine.  Whatever.  The problem is that the program's big expert on Obama's "radicalism" was a guy named Andy Martin, who happens to be an anti-Semite.

Anyway, last night after the debate, Robert Gibbs, Obama's communications director (and yesterday's Gold Star Winner here at The Danifesto) confronted Hannity over the hypocrisy of attacking Obama for his "radical connections" while using as his source of information a guy with a history of anti-Semitism.  Is that "radical" enough for ya?

ANYWAY, the Gibbs/Hannity smackdown turned into an instant viral smash and can be viewed here.  In response to the whole imbroglio, actor/comedian John Cleese wrote a poem about Hannity, which was read live to the public tonight by Keith Olbermann on MSNBC.  Cleese gets a much-deserved Gold Star for his hilarious work on the poem, which goes a little something like this:

An Ode to Sean Hannity

Aping urbanity,

Oozing with vanity,

Plump as a manatee

Faking humanity.

Journalistic calamity,

Intellectual inanity,

FOX Noise insanity,

Your profanity: Hannity.

B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T.  I laughed for 15 minutes after I heard it.  Good work, Mr. Cleese, and congratulations!

Gold Star Winner: October 7, 2008

Robert Gibbs

Obama '08 Communications Director

Today on FOX News, Rudy Giuliani blasted Obama for his so-called "radical connections."

Gibbs' response?

"Taking judgment advice from somebody who thought it was a good idea to appoint the ethically challenged Bernie Kerik to be in charge of the Department of Homeland Security is a little bit like being called ugly by a frog."

BOO-YAH!  Fuck Giuliani... what a sleazebag.  And go, Robert go.

Gold Star Winner: October 6, 2008

Tampa Bay Rays

2008 American League East Champions

Won ALDS vs. Chicago White Sox, 3 games to 1

Since no one said anything particularly provocative today, I decided to forgo the usual Gold Star post and give the award to a more atypical recipient, the Tampa Bay Rays, in recognition of their improbable series-clinching victory against the Chicago White Sox this evening.

The Rays - formerly the Devil Rays (yuck) - had finished in last place in the AL East in nine out of their first ten seasons.  This season, however, they went from the league's worst record in 2007 to winning the division over the wealthy Northern juggernauts otherwise known as the Red Sox and Yankees.  In fact, the Yankees didn't even qualify for the playoffs this season, thanks to the emergence of the Rays.

Today, the Rays prevailed in Chicago to win their first-ever playoff series, and set up a date with arch-nemesis Boston in the American League Championship Series.  The winner will move on the World Series.

Even though Tampa Bay will have home-field advantage against the Red Sox, I'll take Boston to win the series (as will the rest of sane America).  But right now, let's savor the Rays' remarkable accomplishments this season, none bigger than what they did today.  Congratulations, guys.  It's gonna be a hell of an ALCS.